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 by
Lynne Livingstone
 Men
don't talk to each other about sex like women do, and it's a shame they
don't. Because women, when asked about sexual technique, will
describe in great detail their personal experience. They will act it
out, moving the pillows around to get their hips just right, or hang
their heads off the bed in wild (yet orchestrated) abandon to the applause
of their entire recipe club invariably "on that subject" again.
Women will demonstrate on vegetables; women will demonstrate on each
other. And you can be sure that they bring what they've learned back
into the bedroom. Otherwise, how could Cosmo have survived this
long?
I can't be certain men don't give each other pointers.
But if the good ones did share their know-how, why have we gritted our
teeth and bit our lips through such crappy cunnilingus? The most dastardly
thing of all, is that the worst oral sex is usually accompanied by an
arrogance that would make Howard Stern look modest: "Come on baby,
I'm going to make you feel soooo gooooooood..."
Well, if you're friends won't tell you, I will. Go South
young man, and when you return, be sure to report from the front lines.
Please god(dess), don't keep it to yourself.
Oral sex is wildly different for
each person, so in preparation for delivering this cunnilingus
primer, we hashed it out in our Ho in the Know forum. Thanks to all
who posted: you'll see your personal wisdom throughout this cheat sheet.
Just remember, if I sound contradictory it only means that there is
more than one way to do things down there, and if a certain technique
isn't doing it for you or your partner, by all means move on to something
else. In any case, following these ten pointers
should help you get on the right track--with your mind and your
mouth.
Learn the female anatomy. Don't be embarrassed,
Louisa didn't know which
parts were where and she's a girl even. Study and remember: the
clitoris, the vulva,
the labia, the vaginal
opening and the anus. Memorize them,
you'll be using these parts later--individually and as a group. We're
aiming beyond proficiency here, so you're going to have to be willing
to make an effort to get acquainted with all these parts, including
the most important part of all, your partner's
brain.
 Ask
for direction. We know it's hardest to talk about sex with the
person you're under the covers with. When I have to confront some sex
issue with my boyfriend, my head is usually buried in a pillow,
or my eyes are squinched tight so I don't have to look at him while
I'm saying the horrible words about what he could be doing different
or what I could be doing better. It's humiliating--sometimes I even
have to write it down and pass him the note. But no matter what your
method, communication is absolutely necessary if you want to please
your partner orally. Going through session after session of unsatisfying
lovemaking is just plain damaging--it breeds frustration and resentment.
So... next time you're down there, come up for air and ask your partner
if she likes what you're doing. Change it up and ask her if that feels
better, or, if you don't want to be that wordy, say something like,
"how's that feel?" And girls,
now that you've got him where you want him, don't you dare abandon him
on a limb. Answer him. If he asks what to
do and is being patient with your courteous direction, then you are
just as responsible for your orgasm as he is. Bonus: Talking about sex
while you're having it can be a major turn-on. Don't be afraid to say
the dirty words, you can be good again when it's over.
 Make
friends with the clitoris. This isn't as easy as it sounds, because
you can't get to step 3 without making valiant efforts at steps 1 &
2. Figure out where the damn thing is, and then learn how to pay attention
to it. The clitoris is a very sensitive area and sometimes harder is
better and sometimes softer. Sometimes faster will do the trick, sometimes
slower. And you can bet that something that works wonders one day might
not work at all the next. Men, think of the clitoris as a smaller, more
delicate penis, and treat it with the respect you would treat your own
member. As a general rule, don't be rough unless
your lover asks for it, and even then go easy. Rough can be painful
down there, and once in pain, it's hard to salvage the mood at any cost.
 Use
your fingers, too. Fingers and tongue are a winning combination.
For some women, it's the labia and the entrance to the vagina that are
the most sensitive, so try focusing your efforts there, while continuing
to apply pressure with your tongue. If your partner is on her back and
you slide your finger all the way in shallow and curl it upwards, you
may be able to reach the famed "g-spot" on the inside of her
vagina, directly behind the pubis. But be careful you don't start off
too hard because that's a very delicate area as well. Also remember,
your fingers can do wonders on other parts of her body: use them to
caress her thighs, her sides, her buttocks, her underarms, etc.
 Don't
stop completely. Changing up your method and execution is fine
and even desirable until you find the magic movement and then the more
repetitive the better. When she says, "right
there, don't stop," Don't stop.
If it's been going on awhile and you're losing hope, just put yourself
in her shoes: you're getting a nice, long blowjob and you're just about
to come when your partner takes her mouth off your member and forays
into the kitchen to prepare a snack. That's no way for anyone to behave.
When you know she's close, don't change a thing: it kills the momentum.
Or... stop completely for a minute. This
is one area where there is a difference of opinion: for some women,
the opposite is true. So, if it seems she's been in the same agitated
state for awhile without progressing, you might want to come up for
some kissing, but then for goodness sake, get back down there and finish
the job! Here would be a perfect place to add that the orgasm doesn't
have to be the end all be all of good oral sex. Sometimes it just isn't
going to happen, period, but that shouldn't stop you from performing
the task with quality.
Stay comfortable. This is another very important rule, because
the minute you get a crick in your neck or your legs fall asleep from
knees dangling on the floor, it's possible you'll want to give up before
the fireworks. Make sure she's in a comfy position and then get yourself
set up too. If you have to change it around to stay relaxed, do so;
get a pillow or have her move to a chair that you can access while sitting
on the floor. Get in the 69 position and take turns on top. Have some
tissue or a paper towel with you in case she gets too wet for you to
apply adequate friction. If your tongue gets tired, take a break and
continue to stimulate her with your hands (or even chin) until you can
carry on.
Learn some tongue techniques. 
The late comedian Sam Kinneson used to do this sketch were a man performing
oral sex on his girlfriend made each letter of the alphabet with his
tongue, A-Z until the finale. All techniques are
going to be highly subjective, of course, but I'll share some
of the favorites that were posted in the forum. Use them alone and in
conjunction to soup up a tired repertoire.
 flick
the clitoris with the tongue
suck
the clit (but not too hard) both with teeth open and teeth closed
experiment
with tongue surface: the closer to orgasm, the wider the better
make small, light circles with the tongue
use
a tongue stud
use
an iced tongue stud
quick,
short licks (not long licking like you do to an ice cream cone)
use
the tongue elsewhere: on the labia, around and in the vaginal and anal
openings
 Focus
on her responses. Great sex requires verbal communication, but
a certain degree of intuition and connection to the act will take the
experience up another notch. On the boards, men were concerned that
they knew for real their partners were reaching orgasm. Moaning and
heavy breathing could mean you're on the right track, but those can
be easily faked. It's harder to misinterpret the
physical signs, especially if you are focused and present in the moment.
Remind yourself to feel sexy about what you're doing, and get into the
noises she is making and the way the pleasure makes her move her body
and act on these deviations. Most women experience a number of tiny
vaginal contractions before they actually come (which is often accompanied
by a whopper contraction) and you can feel these for yourself if you
pay attention.
Take your time down there. Even though
it has been determined that on average it takes 17
whole minutes of direct clitoral stimulation for a woman to reach
orgasm, most men don't spend nearly enough time on cunnilingus to achieve
the results they are looking for. And all to frequently, women let them
off the hook because they feel like they are taking too long. Look at
the clock some time, and be patient. Some
women come in five minutes, some come in 45 minutes, but if you want
to be a satisfying lover it is your responsibility to stick it out for
the long haul. Just think, you may never be able to last for 45 minutes
of direct intercourse, but you can emerge a victorious sex god after
a lengthy cunnilingus session that ends with a bang. If you balk at
that direction, revisit # 8 and learn how to get yourself off on the
time you're spending between your partner's legs. Girls, help him stay
present by being responsive and generous with your own touches and caresses
while he's going down on you.
Trust is a turn-on. There are many levels of trust when it comes
to oral sex, the first being that your partner is proven free of HIV
and all other STDs and/or you are practicing safe sex with plastic wrap
or a dental dam. Next, you have to trust each other to be honest and
communicative about the sensations you are experiencing during oral
sex. Think of it as an exploration. You must be comfortable with constructive
criticism, and not get your feelings hurt if at times orgasm just
doesn't happen. It is essential to hold up the unspoken pact
of intimacy entered into the minute your mouth hits the muff--be sensitive
to your partner, and allow her to tell you what she wants without
judgment and without getting defensive. If she ever wants you
to stop, or tells you that what you are doing is painful, trust her
that she's telling you the truth, and stop. Girls, keep yourself fresh
down there, and let your partner tell you what you can do to make oral
sex more enjoyable for him without judgment and
without getting defensive. Navigating the two-way street of intimacy
and vulnerability that goes along with oral sex will make you both feel
like kings of the road.
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