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by Lynne Livingstone

There's no question that oral sex is an art, one that must be tailored to the individual on the receiving end of your mouthy generosity. I should know, because at one point I had crowned myself queen of the b.j., only to be dethroned by the personal tastes of the special guy I currently wish to wow. Unfortunately, he said ow. So... drawing from past experience, a few new suggestions that I'm still trying to perfect (blush) and reading every damn thing I can get my hands on concerning the subject, this column will attempt to demystify that age-old penile puzzler: the blow job.

First, why the heck is it called a "blow job"? Certainly blowing on it or into it isn't going to bring about the desired result. I guess because performing correctly makes the guy blow his wad? Ew, wad. (Terms like "wad" make sex a

lot harder to talk about than it should be.) But I do feel quite strongly that oral sex should be a requirement of intimacy. Once you're that close to someone on a regular basis it's hard to sweat the small stuff if you know what I mean. If you don't like it done to you that's okay, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook for returning the favor. As long as your guy agrees to follow the three C's of blow job etiquette--be clean, courteous, and cuddly--there's nothing to be squeamish about. That said, my first bit of advice is just to tackle this thing like a trooper and soon you'll not only get the hang of it, but you'll go to the ends of the figurative earth to please your mate and I bet you'll be truly turned on by his reactions. It's fun!

Hide your teeth. You'll feel silly doing it, but right now curl your lips over your teeth like you're pretending to be an ancient sage, or my father lecturing us on the woes of poor oral hygiene ("pass the bananas, Herbie," was what he used to say to make us laugh at dinner when he suspected we weren't brushing regularly. See Dad, that taught me something valuable). You'll notice you can't hold that position too long without getting crampy in the jaw, so be sure to take little rests here and there, maybe licking and kissing for a few seconds. (Regardless of the idiom, I've never met anyone who really enjoyed literal "sucking" on the tip, so ask about it or avoid.) If it's one thing I've learned though, it's...

Don't stop completely. Changing up your method and execution is fine and even desirable up to the last minute(s) and then the more repetitive the better. When you know he's close, don't change anything: it kills the momentum.

Use your hands, too. This one was news to me. And it may seem daunting because I always thought you could do more damage with a hand job than a blow job, but as long as everything is all lubricated first then at the very least this technique can save a shaky mission from being aborted and at the very best can add an unforgettable flourish to a good thing already going on. I suggest paying attention to the head and top of the shaft with your mouth and tongue while making a ring with your thumb and forefinger and sliding it firmly up and down the base, or mix and match movements to create your own personal style. Hands are also ideal when your mouth needs a rest.

Take it all in. That pesky gag reflex really brings a good blow job down. If you can, try at times to get the whole thing into your mouth/throat and perform some repetitive passovers with firm lips from the base to the tip and back. The key is to relax. Take deep breaths. Relax. If you have to, practice not freaking out on a cucumber or a banana. This may feel so good it'll be all you'll have to do.

Don't ignore the snoballs. Balls is another word I hate but what's the alternative, testicles? Blech. To make it easier to write about I'm calling them snoballs, like the Hostess product. After all, in some cases they're pink and they're sort of the same spongy consistency. In my experience some guys like you to pay attention to their snack cakes and some do not. The ones who like more licking and sucking usually do. (I've been chided for using my tongue too much, so you might want to do some careful exploration before you go to town on dessert if you know what I mean.) Try taking each succulent morsel (one at time) into your mouth and apply a very gentle sucking motion. A teaser to a future column: the male g-spot is in that special void between the testicles and the anus, so apply some pressure with your fingers or your tongue there too.

Stay comfortable. He'll enjoy it more if he thinks you're having a good time too. I can't tell you how many times I've contorted myself into a weird unnatural position, balancing on a knee or elbow that then begins to ache or fall asleep, but instead of correcting the situation I continue on distracted by my own discomfort. STOP RIGHT THERE. Reposition. Mouth dry? Get a glass of water. Better yet, ASK HIM to get you a glass of water (a little roll-reversal into subservience may even be a turn-on). The angle of your body (and mouth) is also important to his comfort, so he'll be willing to change positions to make it better for the both of you. Don't be afraid to take control of the show.

Get in touch with your actions. This follows directly from the sentiment above. The more passionate you are about what you're doing, the better the experience will be for both of you. A friend of mine can almost bring herself to orgasm by giving a blow job (even without being touched), but while I get plenty of emotional satisfaction from pleasuring my mate, it doesn't do much for me physically. Visuals also help keep you attached. If you don't necessarily like what you see close up and personal, close your eyes and fantasize about what you look like from a better distance, angle, or imagine some other aspect of lovemaking that really turns you on. If you stay in the right head space during the event and can keep yourself aroused, going down on a guy can evoke the same feeling of oneness that good intercourse can.

Ask for direction. Great sex requires communication, there's no way around it. And you don't have to use the word "snoballs" when you're in the middle of action, when it's right there communication doesn't usually require having to name body parts at all. "How's this feel?" or "Do you like it better when I do this, or this?" will suffice. "Tell me what I should do now." works as a last resort if it feels like he's not taking to any of your moves, but then he might have to say "balls". That's okay though, he probably says it all the time when you're not around.

Whenever possible, swallow. There are some gals who will fight me tooth and nail on this subject but I believe in it heartily provided you're with a committed partner who is proven free of HIV and all other STDs. At least try. Have you ever done a shot of tequila? (If you don't drink, substitute cough syrup or some other vile liquid.) The key is to toss it down quick and all at once to the back of your throat so it isn't whirling around on your taste buds. This isn't fine wine we're dealing with -- it can be nasty. I like to make sure he's as far down my throat as he can go when he comes, that way it practically skips my mouth all together. (Again, practice not gagging with a banana. Angle is everything. No kidding.)

Open your mind, then open your mouth. Don't expect to just hunker down and charm the one-eyed snake immediately. You've got to learn to sing its song first. Talk to your partner, practice on vegetables, and if you really want to stay up on the game (and the game to stay up on you), check out these resources.