I have been happily married for almost 2 years and we were together for 3 years before that. My husband loves 69, loves to give and receive oral sex with me. But only once in awhile do I get a real treat--actual penetration. There is also very little kissing involved in our sex sessions. What do you make of this? What should I do? I wish he were more romantic and I have told him so.

- Oral Complaint

Dear Oral,

Wow, this is a peculiar situation. Usually for men intercourse can't come soon enough. But since you've been together for five years I'm not going to tell you to count your blessings. What I will tell you is to let your husband know how you feel. Frankly, I'm a little surprised that you dated for years and were married without your lover's aversion to kissing and to intercourse ever coming up. But don't beat yourself up about it too much, because all is not lost.

I suggest you start with the kissing, because it's a smaller step that can yield huge results in intimacy. First talk with him about kissing and why he may not like it. If there is something you can address immediately, like the freshness of your breath for instance, then take care of that without being hurt or defensive. If there doesn't seem to be a concrete reason why he avoids it then move on to this exercise: Both of you take all your clothes off and kiss him all over (slowly) in different ways (tongue, no tongue, fast pecks, slow lips) and tell him why you like kissing him. Ask him if he'd like to do the same to you (it doesn't have to be on the mouth at first), and while he's at it tell him why YOU like to be kissed by HIM. Tell him how it feels. Once you are both very relaxed from the body kissing try some kissing on the lips. Try to focus on the kissing, keeping your hands and mouths away from the obvious erogenous zones of the body. If this still seems stilted or forced, you may want to try kissing with food: fruit, ice cream, chocolate pudding. The most important thing is not to give up. If it doesn't work the first time then try, try again!

As for intercourse, that's a little bit more touchy because your husband could be suffering from an emotional problem that is keeping him from enjoying it. Also some men are terrified of pregnancy. Are you using birth control? Have you discussed what would happen if you were to become pregnant? You should. If you want to try to solve this problem together you can start off in the same way as the kissing exercise. Go slow and try it out little by little until you both become comfortable with penetration. You might also buy a dildo and/or a vibrator and have your husband use that on you for awhile until he gets used to the idea. If all else fails, seek out a couples or sex therapist. But again, your first step is to let him him know that these things are important to you, and that if he addresses him will be supportive and understanding of his concerns as he begins to sort his feelings out.

I was watching "The Practice" on TV and there was a character who had a fetish that called for a woman to step on bugs in front of this guy and that would cause him to be aroused. He would then go into another room and masturbate. Is this a normal fetish? I tried looking into Psychology web pages and can find nothing. I mean, I have heard of some strange fetishes but this one takes the proverbial cake.

- Curious

Dear Curious,

"Normal fetish" is an oxymoron. By definition, fetishism is aberrant habitual sexual excitement associated with an inanimate object or a bodily part. I've read about the one you mention, and my take on it is that it's a power thing, with the guy envisioning himself as the bug about to be squashed. Or he could have a thing about women's shoes. When you think of it that way it becomes an incarnation of a common fetish--the desire to be dominated. So, the smushed bug thing, however bizarre, does indeed satisfy all the criteria.

I recently caught my wife kissing her best girlfriend. She told me that she had done this about 3 other times before. Being that her girlfriend is one of her best friends, she occasionally spends the night at her house. I am fairly certain that they sleep in the same bed. My wife has told me that she is not gay or bi. I mostly believe her, but because we are having some problems lately, I am beginning to question it. In general, do girls do this without being bi or lesbian? Any advice?

-On the way "out"

Dear Out,

Hmmmm... sounds a little fishy to me. If your wife feels comfortable enough to make-out with her friend while you're in the vicinity, chances are they've been practicing. But it doesn't matter what the gender of the object of your wife's affections, unless you haven an"open" marriage arrangement in place, it's still cheating, isn't it? Mind you, this little foray doesn't necessarily mean your wife is gay, or even bisexual--but that's not the issue here. You two need to identify your problems and redefine what you each want out of your lives together, both sexually and emotionally. Good luck.

My boyfriend is uncircumcised, and I've only had experience with circumcised guys. I know that it makes the penis more like a clitoris in some aspects like sensitivity, but I need details about what not to do and what are good techniques. I've tried to question him about it, but he's a bit shy and inexperienced. Are there better ways to give him hand/blowjobs? Are there certain varieties of condoms that are better? Please share your ho knowledge so I can make him kiss my feet and worship me.

-New in the hood

Dear New,

I've never had the pleasure of personal experience in this matter, so I had to consult my panel of experts. It's true that the foreskin has a greater congregation of nerve endings, making it more sensitive to stimulus. When a man becomes aroused, this skin unfolds to cover the shaft of the penis. In this sense, you have a much larger area to work with. One friend told me the greatest thing about being with an uncircumcised man was the hand jobs she could give him, because the loose skin that spreads out over the shaft serves as kind of a natural lubricant. "You know how hard it is to give hand jobs," she said, "we're always afraid we're being too rough or not rough enough." Apparently this extra skin, because it moves over the shaft naturally, makes it more pleasurable for him and for you. So I would suggest playing around with your hands.

As far as condoms go, if he wants to try and last longer, try a condom of regular thickness, but if he wants the sensitivity turned up a notch, go with extra thin.

My boyfriend and I have good sex, but unfortunately, it is impossible to have an orgasm with him. We are so very much in love, and it's not that I would say I am dissatisfied, but I know that I am able to climax myself, but not in a way that HE could do it for me....I learned how to masturbate in a very strange way (I have never heard of anyone doing it like I do). Basically I have to be laying flat on my stomach using both hands to rub myself. Obviously he can't do this and I couldn't even bring myself to tell him this is how I do it. I have masturbated the "normal" way in front of him before but I never get off on it. I honestly don't think that I have EVER had an orgasm from a guy, which I find very strange. I love my man so much, but the other problem he has is just coming too quick! He says it's because he just can't help it, he has no control because I make him so excited! I don't know what to do!!! Please help!!!!

-Odd but effective

Dear Effective,

There are a few things you should do. First, practice masturbating the way you always do but try to change it up little by little. If you have to go back to your old way to reach climax at first, that's fine, but try work to establish the pleasure you know you can give yourself in different ways, i.e., turn on your side, get up on all fours, use one hand, etc. If you are successful in stimulating yourself in a way that you might be able to teach your boyfriend, do so. If not, buck up and show him the way you do it now. Good sex is all about trust, and if you ask him to take you seriously, he should respect your wishes. Start thinking of it as a fantasy while you masturbate, that your man can take over for you even in the awkward position you are in. I bet he could find a way to do it if you were willing to share this with him. But while you try other positions on your own, make sure you have sexy thoughts in your head, try reading some erotica just before, or buy a vibrator and use it in combination with your proven method. Once you get good at coming from all different angles, you'll be able to practice putting your most sensitive spots in the friction during intercourse. And remember you (or your boyfriend) can always stimulate yourself with your hands during intercourse too. The more time you take to make love, the better chances you'll have of reaching orgasm.

For premature ejaculation? Try the start/stop method. You can either do this together or your boyfriend can do it on his own, but the basic idea is to get right almost to the point of ejaculation and then stop stimulation all together for 20 seconds. After the break, start again and go to the same point; repeat this 4 times on each practice until your boyfriend can finally give in to the orgasm. Research has shown that the ejaculatory response is highly mental, which means he's trained himself accidentally to go from arousal to orgasm without taking time to smell the roses in-between. He can learn to sniff.