Okay, I admit I'm hung up on the Fast Times/My so-called Life analogy. It's just that Bill & Mon are so high school. Read my old alternative impeachment suggestions (this was back when no one thought it would go that far) from Disgruntled Housewife.

Monica Lewinsky as Everychick     by Nikol Lohr

The question isn't why do I love Monica. The question is how could you not love Monica? Monica is me. Almost every girl I know has been Monica at some point. The ones who haven't been Monica need to hurry up and make some more mistakes in their lives. And if they don't… well, that's just a shame.

From the very beginning, I've been a Monica fan. Monica's chubby. Monica's girlish. Monica's impetuous and daring and not stupid, but stupid about men. Monica doesn't apologize for her mistakes.

Monica's like Stacy Hamilton from Fast Times at Ridgemont High: the cute, willing but uncertain girl who has furtive, unsatisfying sex with some jackass in the pool house and gets jerked around later on. And Clinton's somewhere between Demone and Jordan Catalono (okay, I know I'm mixing metaphors): not a full-on prick, but unwilling and probably a little embarrassed to admit they've got something going on.

Monica's the French Club secretary who thinks that if she's only cute enough, Mr. Preppy Jock Fuckface who flirts with her in Anatomy to get her answers is going to like her and she'll be the prom queen. Or she's the Emo's girl who does it with Matthew McConnahey while he's in town shooting some summer blockbuster and daydreams he'll want to marry her (but isn't so dumb that she'd actually say it out loud).

Not only that, Monica's the unlucky girl who wore a stupid outfit one day and will now be remembered that way for the rest of her life. She's the girl in the beret. Isn't that the nightmare of every not-so-fashionable girl? Think about that totally dorky outfit you mistakenly thought was so cool four years ago. What if you got your fifteen minutes of fame wearing that?

So what are Monica's big, bad crimes? Doing it with the wrong guy? Falling for a jackass? Bragging (after a fashion) about her sexual exploits? (Who among us hasn't counted coup?) Making light of it afterwards? Well, what would you do? A fake apology like Clinton? C'mon.

And she's only--what?--25? She was 22 at the time (one of my dumber years, romantically). I'd like to see anyone deal as well with that kind of pressure at her tender age.

Monica may be an opportunist, but remember: she was no tattletale. No, it took a self-righteous, vicious, attention-grubbing troll to break up Monica's pretty imaginary relationship. Obviously Monica's bad judgment about people extends to girlfriends. If I found out one of my girlfriends was taping our private conversation, you'd better believe there'd be a catfight--even if I had to get my ass kicked by an aging, bitter troll.

And Monica didn't get her ass kicked. She got a book deal, a Vanity Fair photo spread, a Barbara Walters interview, countless makeovers and an appearance on Saturday night live. I was glad Monica could step up and put on a happy face and make light of herself. (And I know this is shallow, but--) I only wish she looked a little more Vanity Fair and a little less mommy. She's seesawed from babe-a-rific (okay, I'm wild about the slutty chubby teen look) to dumpy so many times she's probably seasick, but I wish she had been a real knockout for the SNL appearance. It would have given her that much more punch. Either way, though, he sure beat the pants off Hester Prynne.

Monica's waded through this river of shit with more spunk and good cheer that I could ever hope to muster. No matter what, Monica Lewinsky will be remembered time immemorial as the girl who gave the President a blowjob in the oval office hallway. She could win the Nobel Peace Prize and they'd make cigar jokes as she accepted her award. As long as she's got that cross to bear, she may as well do it laughing. And I hope she's laughing all the way to the bank.