forkful of salad? To me, getting results with a personal trainer was a given: the glamour alone burned calories and firmed thighs. Something so financially out of reach had to be a gimmick, an easy way out. Before I was in her (running) shoes I didn't think at all about Oprah getting her ass out of bed at 5am every morning.

I only thought that hiring a personal trainer would make me feel like a movie star too. I'd rise with the sun, early enough for coffee, juice and a glance at the morning paper, slip into my matching Nike coolmaxdryfit running bra and ninety dollar Lycra leggings, and hands behind head, proceed to twist my torso to the left and the right -- just like in the how-to pictures in stack of fitness magazines -- with nary a grimace. I would be inspired by my fitness guru to do sit-ups, bicep curls, and run miles through the early morning dew. He or she would help me finally meet my goal of doing a set of pushups -- on my toes, not my knees. The journey would be my reward. I would lose ten pounds. I would lose 120 bucks a week.

As someone who has had an above average level fitness level over the past few years but has never had the body to go along with it, I was convinced that what I lacked was personal direction. I knew I had at least some discipline because I had trained for and completed a marathon in 1997, and I continued to be a runner at various levels, even at my most indifferent never going under 10 miles a week. I stuck it out through years of step aerobics classes, certified to be a lifeguard, and lasted through 3 months of circuit training in my own sweaty back yard. Still, I never seemed to look or feel like I wanted to. With my thirties recently underway and the birth control pill adding a little padding that I was starting to fear, I decided to hire a trainer.

For eight weeks, I worked out with Dan, an instructor I met at my local gym. He came to my house because that's what I wanted -- four days a week at the unglamorous hour of 7am. I wanted to focus on weight training and body sculpting since I never really tried that before and I hoped it might make a difference overall. My bigger muscles would burn more calories, the articles said; my metabolism would increase. No matter what happened, I thought, at least I could write about it. No matter what. This is my diary (at least the key entries, the entire 8 weeks would require too much endurance):

WEEK 1: Monday, February 28
My first morning. Wanted to get up at 6am but couldn't get out of bed until 6:40. Must remember to grind coffee when I go to bed tonight. Still, I did have time for a few sips and to scan the front page of the paper before the spry Dan arrived at my just-post-dawn door. He didn't want coffee, he wanted to get straight down to business so we did a brisk walk around my long hilly block and then the pain commenced. 160 leg lifts (back lunge and raises) at my fireplace mantel (2 sets of 40 on each leg) made my gams go gummy. After some sets of leg lifts on all fours (to work the glutes) I was sweating so much that I got up to get a towel and almost collapsed on the floor. Can you imagine that after only 20 minutes I was reduced to a lump on the floor of my hallway? I'm a runner for chrissakes. We tried eight sets of eight pushups but I only made it through three before I had to turn over on my back for fly squeezes instead. Triceps and shoulders were hard after that first part but not impossible, and then we did some abs at the end. I couldn't hold my feet in the air, he had to hold them for me. Today I realized that I've nowhere to go but up.

Tuesday, February 29
Today is Leap Day. How ironic since I can barely walk. Getting out of bed wasn't as hard as I'd expected, but I had a rough sleep and on waking went straight for the ibuprofen so I'd be able to make it through. This time I set the coffee machine up the night before so all I had to do was flick the switch. I found I was surprisingly awake. Dan arrived early (five minutes) and I felt a little put out. He packed my towel and goggles in his back pack and we ran a mile uphill to my neighborhood pool. My legs were killing me, but uphill was better than down. And he carried the back pack (so that's what I'm paying him for -- I picked the biggest towel I own). Once I was in the water I hurt much less, but it didn't take long to remind me that swimming isn't as easy as I'd remembered. We did 28 lengths (.5 mile); the last four were sprints. I was looking forward to the stroll home but he said if I chose to walk I'd have to do lunges up the steep hill at the base of my driveway. So I opted to run, and when we got to the hill he made me do the lunges anyway. This is how having a trainer must work -- it pushes you beyond what you'd be willing to do.

Wednesday, March 1
I'm typing this right away after finishing my session because Dan assures me that I won't be able to lift my arms to the keyboard later this afternoon. I thought he took it pretty easy on me. It was hard to get out of bed, and when he saw me struggle to get down the front steps he said he was going to give my legs a rest today. Thank God! We did some brisk walking for a warm up and it did actually start to loosen me up a little. When we came inside we stretched my legs out more, I say "we" because Dan had to hold them for me at times to get the full benefit of the stretch -- I was very stiff. Then we worked on arms: 3 sets of 12 and then one set of 40 with light weights; wing spans, front raises and press ups. Then we worked on lats (arms behind the back) with the 12 pound weight for the 3 sets of twelve and then double-time until exhaustion. Dan says we're going to swim again tomorrow and it's going to be tough so he's going to bring a kickboard, but right now I felt like he went easy on me, and a little let down that I didn't get to really sweat. I'm also kind of freaking out that I haven't run since Sunday. I don't want to lose my fitness level there; I really want to keep up with the interval training I've been doing but damn, my legs are killing me. There's no way I can run today. Maybe tomorrow?

Thursday, March 2
So… he was wrong about my arms because here I am typing but I still can't go down stairs comfortably. Because of this, we had a brisk walk the mile to the pool instead of jogging. The pool takes the pain away, and I swam a mile faster than I did the first time, and did four extra laps with the kickboard. We walked home and on the way I envisioned the check I had written out at dawn. Was I paying Dan for the last four days we had spent together or giving him cash to leave me alone until Monday? Over the weekend I want so badly to do two runs, one 4 miler and an interval run, but I don't know if I'll have it in me. And I'll buy some heavier hand weights. No change in my body yet, of course, but I do feel like I'm hungrier than ever.

WEEK 2: Monday, March 6
I was feeling crazed about not running so I did five miles of intervals on Saturday. Boy were my legs tired after, so I was a little afraid of the workout this morning. But Dan went easy on my legs. We did one set of leg lifts (40 each legs) and then moved on to pushups and arms. My arms are so weak it's pathetic. It's not like it hurts, there's just nothing there at all. Improving on pushups is one of the things I'm looking forward to most.

Tuesday, March 7
I had a great night's sleep last night and was up and ready to go at 6:30. In fact, it was I who suggested we run the mile to the pool this time, even though I felt like I could have gotten away with walking. And we upped our swimming from 28 lengths to 36. On the way there Dan made me stop at the chin up bars and try some pull-ups. Yeah, right, I can't even do one. Still, today, this doesn't feel so bad at all.

Wednesday, March 8
Shit -- my arms are killing me! Today Dan tells me he's going to beat up on my abs, and I swear he had me doing sit-ups for like 1/2 hour. Damn. One thing was fun: I was on the floor on my back and Dan stood at my head facing my feet. I put my legs straight up in the air and it's his job to try and shove my legs to the floor while I resist with my stomach muscles. Ouch! I've never been very good at sit-ups. It feels like my upper body is too long to handle the load. Plus he had me doing sets of pushups in between and I haven't noticed an improvement in those. Maybe next week. After he left I did one set of 40 leg lifts on my own because I'm getting nervous about not having run in so long.

Thursday, March 9
Shit again. I think I got like four hours of sleep. I couldn't get up at all. I had about 10 minutes to get dressed and ready, and I felt so groggy and unmotivated. I decided to propose that we do an easy run -- something I can practically sleep through -- instead of the swimming today. Dan agreed and we started off on a regular 4.2 mile run around the lake. But halfway through he took a detour that made me so mad! I felt like crap. After adding another 1/2 mile to the run, we arrived at a really steep hill off my regular route that I didn't even know existed. He made me run up and walk down; then once more. I was so cranky that I kept giving up. After that he added another mile onto the run, which means about 5.5. This is not what I intended, and I'm pissed. But you know what, that's what having a personal trainer is about, pushing you to levels that you aren't willing to go by yourself. If it wasn't for Dan, I wouldn't' have gotten up this morning, And then I tried to take the easy way out and he wouldn't let me, I acted like a total baby. But now that it's over (and he's gone until Monday) I feel like a million bucks!

WEEK 3: Monday, March 13
Ugghh… I felt really weak and pathetic this morning, like not only am I not losing weight and losing my stamina for running, but I'm not getting stronger either. I dragged through this morning's workout on the sheer notion that I didn't have to do it tomorrow (I had to reschedule for a prior commitment.).

Wednesday, March 15
I had mentally prepared myself for swimming but because of our schedule change, but with skipping a day Dan thought we should continue to work on upper body strength. On the brisk walk to the park I told him I was feeling sort of down about the workouts and he said now was the exact time to expect to lose my motivation because I wasn't really seeing any results. Also, he was frank with me about how much time I would have to spend working out to get the body I see in magazines. I've been doing an hour a day, five days a week, sometimes six, and even that might not be enough, he said. Thing is, I'm not sure I'd want to work out more than an hour a day, so where does that leave me? I do know I have to start incorporating cardio into the days where we're mostly lifting, but so far I'm just beat after all that.

Friday, March 17
I woke up today wanting to run but it's rainy and cold. Dan says we should go anyway but I just don't think I can make it if I'm miserable from inclement weather on top of my sore legs. He gave me a hard time and I almost gave in twice, but we stayed in for squats, pushups sit-ups and arm lifting. We did bicep curls for the first time since I've started working out. Dan says these are the easiest muscles to tone so he doesn't work them right away. He makes me focus more on triceps and it's hard to do the reps the way he wants me to. I'm so glad the week is over, but I know I have to try to get in some running over the weekend.

WEEK 4: Monday, March 20
For once I feel rested and ready to go when Dan arrives. We warm-up walk to the chin-up bars in the park and he holds my feet while I try to do real pull-ups on the highest bar. I crumble to the ground every time -- how humiliating. This is almost like the feeling when your boyfriend attempts to lift you up and can't. Ugh. Then he gets me to do sets of pushups on the low bar and it's easier than on the ground -- I can actually get through the set. In between I do cardio intervals -- running stairs and running laps. Then sets of ab exercises, more intervals, and back to the pull-ups. Wow, this was a heavy breather but I feel great afterwards, like I'm finally doing something.

Thursday, March 23
Since I'm feeling terrible about not running in over a week, I suggest we go even though I know it's going to be tough. Dan keeps taking me along routes I don't know and for some reason it makes me so mad, like I'm not in control and he's tricking me into going longer than I want to. But that's why I hired him, right? I didn't want to run his pace so I followed right on his heels (easier to pout that way) but he takes me on a great route through the east side neighborhoods and then through early morning downtown. I tell myself I'll go that route alone sometime. But my legs are killing me from the squats yesterday so across the Congress St. Bridge (1/8 mile?) he makes me skip. I feel like an ass with all the cars passing by but it feels good on my legs so I do it anyway. I know it was over a 4.5 mile route and I have to walk the 1/4 mile uphill back home, but I feel spent (and good). Why aren't I losing weight though?

WEEK 5: Tuesday, March 28
Warm up, and then I actually got all the way through 8 sets of 8 girlie pushups! Dan acts impressed, but I can't wait until I can do a real full push-up. Then we did sit-ups galore. Just when I was feeling like a powerhouse he held my knees down and made me do an old-school push up with my elbows straight out from the sides of my head, not curled by my ears and I swear I could not do even one! Not one. It's so humiliating. We finished up the session with three sets each of biceps and triceps, and each set hurts at the end just like it's supposed to. I'm beat.

Wednesday, March 29
Lightning this morning so no running. Instead after a pretty long power walk warm-up we do pushups again, and sit ups, pushups again until I can't hold myself up with my arms anymore. After that I do three sets of lateral work (knee on ottoman, leg back , pulling up) Dan says I need heavier weights.

Thursday, March 30
I had to get up 30 minutes earlier today than usual, and I've decided that's still the hardest part for me, even after 5 weeks have passed. I hate it, it feels like my body is shocked into morning: my stomach hurts. Since I ran on my own less than 12 hours ago, I'm pretty tired. I tell Dan I don't feel like we have the time to do 7 miles today. So he takes me on a very hilly route across town to a school track, and I'm happy just to stop for a bit even though I have an idea about what's in store. We run four 400m sprints (walking the 400m between) which were challenging but exhilarating too since they're new to me. Dan clocks my time and makes sure that I get faster with each try instead of slower. He critiques my form, telling me to get my knees up and pump my arms -- I find it does make a difference. Then we run back home (about 1.5 miles I'm guessing) on an even hillier route. Almost at the end I balk, and Dan lectures me that when it feels easy it isn't doing as much, that now, since I'm in hell, I'm really training. No pain, no gain… how true it is. He berates me up the steep hill to my driveway and the whole time I'm thinking that I'm paying him to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't stop. It really makes me consider what I'm willing to put myself through every day to get the kind of body I want.

Friday, March 31
Dan can't make it today so, I run the short distance to the pool and swim a whole mile! I'm sure I can maintain swimming in my own workout after I'm done with the training session.

WEEK 6: Monday, April 3
I feel good when I wake up but I'm apprehensive about the workout because I know we have to do all the hard stuff today: lunges, pushups, sit-ups. Lunges are hard but I take them slow and get through all three sets of 40 holding the 12lb weights. I then move on to pushups, from the handles of my hand weights resting on the floor. I actually get through 4 sets of 8 today without his help! I'm amazed.

Tuesday, April 4
Dan had to cancel so I went on a 4.2 mile run, and didn't feel great, but I didn't stop either. I need to get back into running 3-4 times a week, including those interval runs because they were giving me a new lease before the 10K I ran in February.

Thursday, April 6
Dan came and I sent him home. I'm too tired even to pay him.

WEEK 7: Monday, April 10
Six sets of eight pushups, lunges, triceps. I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere, but then I read a magazine article that confirms I need to be doing 60 minutes of cardio 5 times a week to burn enough calories to lose any weight. Shit, have I been doing this for nothing?

Tuesday, April 11
Dan says I'm the most negative person he's ever met. I can't believe anyone would say that about me! I mean, just because I'm tired and cranky when he comes in the morning, and I question him as to why my metabolism isn't 'speeding up, does that make me negative? I go through the routines but I find myself wanting to cheat in little ways, suggesting that maybe we watch a movie instead since it's gloomy and I happen to still be in my pajamas. I would have thought it would all get easier, and some of the exercises have been, but it still slays me to get up so early and go straight to working out.

Wednesday, April 12
Today we go for a run and I'm glad to get the chance but I'm not happy with my performance. I had to stop and walk twice when 4.5 miles used to be my easy distance. Plus I feel like instead of losing weight I'm getting bigger; thicker I don't want new bigger muscles to grow underneath the fat I already have!!!

WEEK 8: Monday, April 17
I'm going to Paris at the end of this week and I know I won't be working out there so I'm dedicated to pushing it before I go. Dan says it'll come, but he reiterates that I'll probably have to start fitting in a few runs a week on top of this schedule to see results faster. I'd like to have seen results by now, at least have my clothes feel a tiny bit looser so I'm inspired to keep the stamina when I get home. I'm a busy girl with a job and a website and a live-in boyfriend. I like to socialize and cook and write and watch movies and I feel like working out for one hour a day is enough. Any more is just too much to ask. And it's not like I'm macking down secret bags of potato chips in the middle of the night or eating dessert with every meal. Call me negative, I don't care.

Thursday, April 20
My last day with a trainer. I do feel a sense of accomplishment fitness-wise, but I'm also glad it's over. I'm feeling a little ripped off but it's not Dan's fault -- he showed up every day, encouraged me, and pushed me as hard as I would go. It just turns out that for me, this kind of workout alone didn't do much for my waistline. I know hard-core dieting is just as hard to stick to, and I really feel like I'd have to sacrifice too much to make working out a bigger part of my life than it was for the past 8 weeks. Will I hire a personal trainer again? Probably not unless they are my personal chef as well.

What did I get out of the experience? Well, I know I can swim a mile now, and that my upper body is strong enough to do 4 sets of pushups, which was my new years resolution twice in a row. I'm happy to finally check that one off my list. I was also reminded that with hard work you can accomplish physical feats you never imagined, but it doesn't mean that you'll get skinnier in the process. I think I'll go back to running now and try to get my mileage back up -- just in time for the summer swelter. Negative? Not me.