by Leah Shafer

The hypochondria river runs deep and wide through my head, and has only gotten more pronounced since I began to write about health issues for a living at an online consumer health magazine. I read a great deal about pestilence and disease for my job, and on bad days, just seeing a blurb about an affliction can fill me with some hard-core anxiety. It's as if I think some mystical power put that article on lung cancer there for me to see, as a premonition of my illness. I have become insanely superstitious.

This is all a standing joke among friends and family, and I happily take ribbing from everyone. After all, if they are right and I am imaging things, then that means I won't get multiple sclerosis! But I am acutely aware of my body and its every twitch and cough. This anxiety is my constant companion, and it's really not that funny when I can't concentrate or I get a splitting headache from worrying (or is that metastasized cancer?).

So what is a woman to do when fear of illness, suffering and death plague her mind?

Go to the doctor, of course! (I've never been one for alternative medicine, but if you're a free-spirited sort of hypochondriac, "go to the acupuncturist" or "flee to the herbalist" is just as valid).

On a recent visit to my beloved doctor for my annual exam and Pap smear, I came with a veritable grocery list and pen to check off each concern as she listened to my breath and looked in my ears. It was a little odd to be barking out one possible condition after another while she performed a breast exam, but hey, you've got to grab your chances and I was a woman on a mission.

Itchy tonsils and sneezing…
Tiredness…
Lack of concentration…

The key is to find a kind soul who will listen to your concerns, prescribe an antihistamine or antibiotic if possible, then gently assure you that your itching tonsils and sneezing are probably not a symptom of raging lymphatic cancer. My doctor, who sees me about every three or four months for one thing or another, smiles lightly at me and flips through my rather thick medical chart before prescribing rest, exercise and telling me to come back if anything gets worse. It sounded reasonable at the time, and I left her office reassured.

Thing is, once I get back home I realize I don't always believe her, so I took my concerns online.

One thing my search for some answers has conclusively proved is that I am NOT alone. No, I have many, many brothers and sisters on this peculiar journey and apparently, we all are on the Internet. I found all sorts of tests and references online that are supposed to help. But I put my pencil down half way through one self-test because I was answering "strongly agree" on far too many questions. For example, "Do you worry about your health more than most people? If a disease is brought to your attention, do you worry about getting it yourself?" Of course I worry about disease! What is National Public Radio for if not to inform me of the next killer virus that could smite me down?

One of the things that makes it so hard for me deal with my irrational fears is that, in fact, they are based on something normal. We all fear cancer. We all worry a little about staying healthy. I worry enough for three or four people. Perhaps mine is just a problem of portion control.

Another thing that irks me is that I don't particularly want to pathologize my situation and definitively label myself. Who hasn't used the term 'hypochondriac' pejoratively to refer to a whiney, self-absorbed jerk who can't deal with seasonal allergies or some other ridiculously minor thing? Would YOU like it if your new nickname were Woody Allen? Me neither.

In fact, I am a generally agreeable, happily employed citizen who has it together elsewhere. I could moonlight as a perfectly normal person.

My brother tells me incessantly that I need to go to therapy. He swears up and down that it would help me, but I wonder, what would I do for a hobby if I were cured? Take up heavy smoking? There's a part of me that sees this as a personal weakness, an indulgence of sorts. I keep hoping that I'll find that happy medium where I am aware of my health, but not using the symptom fact checker online every day. My big goal for now is to make it through a full article in a medical journal without hyperventilating -- so I think I'll take a deep breath.