by Karen Olssen

Lately my local 7-11 has been luring me inside by putting little styrofoam sample cups next to the store's creamy frozen-cooler drinks. (I refer to those high-end slurpees that come in pink, orange, beige, and brown. My favorite is brown - mocha something-or-other -- though it doesn't really taste that good if you buy a full 12 ounces, which I tried once.) I've been going to 7-11 more often as a result, and lingering awhile in the fountain drink section.

One evening not too long ago I was doing just that, lingering and tossing back a few cooler samples, when over the low hum of the refrigerators and drink machines I heard a tinkle of New Age sound effects, and then a calm, female voice saying the words, "larger, firmer breasts."

Probably it was just the radio, but normally they don't play the radio there, and being possessed of breasts that no one would call large, I felt I was being personally addressed. By no less than an advertisement for the Isis all natural breast enlargement system. A toll-free phone number was provided, and after polishing off the last few drops of mocha slush (via the risky 'final toss-back' procedure for either consuming the last of a frozen drink or getting it on your nose), I went home to learn more about the miraculous improvements that could be effected in my life by an Egyptian fertility goddess with an 800 number.

The telephone representative who answered my call immediately started asking me all kinds of questions to see if I "qualified" for the program - name, address, cup size--uhm, wait a minute. "Actually, I'm just calling to get some more information about your product," I said, "Do you have a brochure or a website I could check out?" "We don't have a website or a brochure, because we like to speak with each of our clients personally to make sure they understand the program."

My heart fell a little when she said that, because even though I was sure this was a scam, I didn't want it to be such a shoddy scam. There's a long and proud tradition of snake oil sales in America, and these days to do it right you need at least a brochure or a website. All Isis had was this woman, who sounded young and Californian and condescending.

I asked her to go ahead and explain the program. She told me that all small breasts are the result of some sort of snafu in the growth process, be it a bad diet, hormonal irregularities, or any number of other possible breast-arresters. "Mmm-hmmm," I said. (That's yeah right, bitch translated into phone language.) I felt insulted. Our conversation deteriorated. She went on about how some really pricey creams or pills (I don't remember which) would kick-start the natural growth process and "restore" me to my bulbous natural state.

I asked what sort of evidence was out there to support any of this. She explained that the creator of Isis, Dr. M--, was due to receive an award this fall from the "Inventors Club of America." What about some independent science? I asked. Well, if you really want to find out about Dr. M--, why don't you call the Inventors Club of America and ask them why he's winning this award? she shot back. If I want some scientific information, the Inventor s Club of America is NOT who I am going to call! I huffed, and hung up the phone.

Still, I was curious: what do they put in these herbal bust-boosters? Looking up other similar products online can actually be a fun thing to do if you're bored, and offers a glimpse into how the Web is shaping and advancing the art form that is American quackery.

The most fascinating of these sites, New Womyn, hawks not pills or creams but a contraption that includes two plastic boobs called "biospheres" along with something that looks like a remote control device. Precisely how the Stimulations VII TM (Patent Pending) process works remains something of a mystery, of course; somehow the biosphere's "negative pressure" leads to "tissue hyperplasia," following the principles of "cellular enhancement technology." The site has great photographs: before and after breast shots, gory botched implant images, and pictures of the odd device itself.

As for herbal supplements, there are plenty to choose from. Definition sells cream and drops; they of course "work best" when used together for at least 3 months, and each costs about $20 per one-month supply. Definition promises to "meet the nutritional needs of the mammary glands" with such ingredients as fennel and fenugreek and saw palmetto, some of which contain "phytoestrogens" or plant estrogens. (Derived from the Dolly Partons of the vegetable kingdom, no doubt.)

Also claiming to boost breasts through "plant estrogens" is Erdic, sold in America by a company called Busting Out. Erdic's ingredients sound like the recipe for a homebrewed porter: hops, buckwheat, malt, black oats, barley, rye, wheat, maize, and anti-caking agents, whatever those are.

Then there's Natural Contours, whose capsules and/or cream are a "breakthrough all herbal based product founded upon the knowledge of Endocrine Biology." They contain a bunch of "ancient Chinese herbs" like "cimicifuga racemosa." Unable to make heads or tails of the website, I called "Dan" at Natural Contours HQ, who told me that these special herbs are not the usual plant estrogens, but rather plant extracts that "go down and they stimulate cells, they tell these cells to turn on those estrogens."

I wasn't willing to pay hundreds of dollars to try any of these products myself, but I did contact Dr. Timothy Gorski, an ob-gyn in Arlington, Texas, and president of the Dallas-Fort Worth Council Against Health Fraud. "I've looked closely at a variety of breast enlargement creams over the years, including the creams, pills, and even hypnosis," he e-mailed back. "None of them stand up to scrutiny. And none of them are supported by credible scientific data." In particular, he said, there are no molecules made by plants that act as estrogens. Estrogens can be fabricated in a laboratory using some plant-derived molecules, but "anything that really did cause proliferation of breast tissue (as opposed to hormonally mediated enlargement of glands) would be a cause for concern from the standpoint of breast cancer." And anything that really did act as an estrogen would mess up your menstrual cycle.

The other thing the websites have are bunches of testimonials: I was miserable and embarassed until I found your product, and now I'm happy and big-chested and my husband loves me again! That sort of thing. Did real women write these? Big boobs are like small waists and cute noses and thick dark Israeli hair and everything else that Julianne Margulies has over us average gals. Sure, you know these things wouldn't make everything better--but you never really know that. Maybe those testimonials were written by real women! Maybe something weird's going on! Isn't it worth risking a couple hundred bucks to find out? Alas, there's no such thing as a free sample.