Flex your Mussels by Amelia Tigertail

The people of the lovely land of the boot know how to eat. Basil is their iceberg lettuce, and cherry tomato aioli studded with garlic replaces mayo on crusty sandwiches. And when we reach for Sweet 'N Low for our raspberry-flavored teas, the dark-haired maven of Venice uncork yet another bottle of luxurious Chianti.

We breathe air. Italians inhale aromas. We consider soggy cereal swimming in skim milk a worthwhile intro to the day. The southern tip of the European continent revels in baguettes topped with Reggiano cheese, chased by a frothy cappuccino or exhilarating shot of espresso.

And then there's the sex. While Joe and Mary experiment with their couch-flavored missionary style pre-bedtime interlude, Giovanni and Lucia are whispering menage-a-trois fantasies in each other's ears at a family dinner party...seductively.

So yes, unless you're completely enamored with pre-sliced orange cheese, Lean Cuisine's latest fat-free Chicken Alfredo, or just-add-water brownies out of the box, I encourage you to indulge, for a moment, in what we can learn from the lovely souls serving pizza a la Margherita (from epicurious.com) on a sidewalk cafe in Rome. It's not just a climax-worthy language--it's a way of life where lust can involve pesto and sex is everything but standard.

Bienvenito al Italia!

To help you sense the biscotti baked with slivered almonds, or the aged vinegar served with shards of Parmesano, all you need is a deliciously free evening, a short list of ever-available ingredients, and of course, a most willing, and lovely partner.

At the grocery, pick up a handy plastic basket--or if you'd really like to sample a slice of Italian life, you might consider bringing your own woven, handmade basket, lined with checkered cloth, just so nothing slips between the cracks. As you're traipsing down the aisles, pick up a white onion, garlic, a zesty lemon or lime, 3 tomatoes (Roma, naturally), a salivating bunch of flat-leaf parsley, butter, and....a pound of mussels--the ocean's most sexily seductive food. Enclosed within a tight-lipped shell, that only exposes its pearly interior after minutes of high-steam heat... On the way out, pick up a bottle of dry white for the mussels, and for you and your seductive lover of choice, a nice bottle of Merlot or Zinfandel. And yes, the pricier, the better--it's lusciously worth it.

Now, for the sexily fun part.

While the mussels are resting in the icebox, head to your closet. Find something revealing. Preferably black, and definitely slinky. Anything silky will be divine. Apply pink or red lipstick, spray perfume between your breasts, and lavish your soles in fluffy slippers, if you've got 'em. Slide to the kitchen, tie an apron whimsically around your waist, and begin preparing your serenade to Italy, while Al Green wafts throughout your abode.

First, rinse the mussels well, and use a knife to remove any gray little hairs protruding from the bluish lip. Leave your shellfish in the sink, and add a hefty couple of tablespoons of butter in a dutch oven, covered saucepan (make sure the cover is ovenproof) or other lid-topped oven-safe dish. Throw in the diced onion, a few chopped garlic cloves, the chopped tomatoes, the minced cilantro, a generous pour of el vino, and finally, the juice of your lovely lime. Throw in the mussels, and cook on or in the oven for about 10 minutes, or until the mussels have opened their lips, awaiting imminent consumption. For an extra sexy meal, serve with a warm baguette--ideal for dipping, sopping, and devouring any of the juices from the pan.

And the sex? Between sips of spicy red, mussels kissing the back of your throat, and the arousing aroma that is garlic mingling with the scent of L-O-V-E, the powers of Aphrodite will work their lavish magic. Close your eyes, strip down to your lacy white bra and silky panties, dip your fingers in the slippery broth-like sauce, and....

Well, a little I leave to you, dear sexfiend. Just think of Lucia and Giovanni (or Lucia and Estefania)--what would they do?

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