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 At
the beginning of the year, right after my stressy new year's party, I
resolved to become The Perfect Hostess. To
this end, I made the decision never again to have a party. I'm only having
get-togethers from now on. I realize it's just semantics, but it's
the difference between my being gracious & being stressed out &
in a foul mood. A get-together is comprised of people I know, whereas
a party compels me to invite a lot of people I don't know or necessarily
like for the sole purpose of creating a crowd, and thereby fabricating
the illusion of a successful party. Blegh. So you see why I've opted for
get-togethers.
Now, the next step in becoming the Perfect Hostess comes much more naturally
to me than party-throwing. It's feeding people. And for this step,
I'm taking my lead from Bob & Pat Tarr, the best hosts around. They're
not great hosts in some kind of prissy Martha Stewart show-off way, but
in a natural way that makes you feel completely at ease & delighted
to partake of their graciousness. They always magically produce snacks
and cocktails for guests. It's a real treat. It's something grandparents
used to do when their friends dropped by, and it's something our generation
should take up again.
Being the Perfect Hostess isn't about impressing people; it's about making
them happy to hang out at your place. Which means you don't have to get
dressed (you can host in pajamas), you don't have to put on shoes, you
don't have to drive anywhere, and--significantly--you don't have to drive
home when you're tired and/or drunk. It also means you can be a hermit
and a social butterfly all at once. So, get ready to stay home.
The Hostess Response
The hardest part of being the Perfect Hostess is cultivating a knee-jerk
response to provide for anyone who walks in your door. I've got about
a 30% Hostess Instinct Response to offering snacks or drinks when friends
drop by, and I hope to increase my response to 75% by the end of the year.
I'm getting in the habit of keeping my pantry & or fridge stocked
with hostess foods.
After talking to my friend Grace, who is currently an unwilling housewife,
I learned that recognizing hostess foods isn't instinctive. So I've compiled
a list of obvious but oft-neglected items that make hospitality a snap.
All of these staples are inexpensive, require little or no preparation,
and have a long shelf/fridge/freezer life. Most of these things could
be eaten right from the package, but a good hostess will realize that
her guests are worth the added touch of actually dumping them in a bowl.
And it's a lot easier than passing around a bag of chips.
Nuts
Once a cocktail staple, mixed nuts have become a luxury. Putting out a
dish of mixed nuts adds an air of nostalgic sophistication. Tossing that
dish in the microwave for warm nuts is doubleplushospitality. The
sensible hostess will buy the no-peanuts can and a jar of peanuts rather
than the peanuts-inclusive mixed nuts. It's a much better value &
you'll get way nicer nuts, completely avoiding the undesirable Brazil
nuts & stupid filberts if you get one of those specialty cans or bulk
nuts. If you're storing opened or bulk nuts for more than a couple of
weeks, put them in Tupperware or a tightly-sealed jar to preserve freshness.
If mixed nuts are out of your budget, almost everyone likes peanuts.
Even if they don't (like me), they'll certainly appreciate the gesture.
Peanuts in the shell are novel nowadays, plus they're cheap & a good
activity for a former smoker. Unless your guests are granola, get the
kind that's salted in the shell.
Combining the charm of the peanut in shell and the elegance of mixed
nuts is my favorite: the pistachio. Because pistachio shells are already
split clamshell-style, they're not messy like peanuts. A big bowl of pistachio
shells is actually a joy to behold. And they're just sooo good. Plus you
can get a 3-pound bag at Sam's for $6.99.
Chips and Dip
This seems so obvious, but when is the last time you put out DIP? And
people are crazy about dip. Buy prepared dip in the dairy section, or
if you're willing to actually stir before setting it out, buy sour cream
(which is a little more flexible) & either that onion soup mix or
ranch dressing mix.
Chips & Salsa
Again, duh. Try to keep fresh onion, tomato, and cilantro on hand. Throwing
in a little of each will greatly improve a mediocre jar of salsa.
Other Snack Foods
Chex Mix, Goldfish, Pretzels, Cheetos, Fritos, Bagel Chips, etc. are all
welcome snacks. Pour them in a bowl. Newman's Own Salt & Pepper pretzels
are a show-stopper. Plus they're in a smaller bag, so they're just the
right size to put out.
Baby Carrots
A bag of those baby cut carrots will hold up for more than a week in the
fridge (I've had them around for up to 3 weeks before). I know this sounds
totally gay, but it's really considerate to keep carrots or other vegetables
for friends who are trying to reduce. And it wouldn't kill you to get
some extra fiber. Celery is also great, although it doesn't last as long.
Stoner Food
Stoner food is any quick-cooking over-processed frozen snack treat that
seems irresistible when you're stoned, but which you would never buy sober.
Not because you don't secretly love Jeno's Pizza Rolls, but because you
know that they aren't real food & as long as you've got a cart full
of produce that you'll let rot in the fridge, you want to stay optimistic
& pretend like you don't like junk food. But remember: if everyone
you know is pretending they don't want to eat the stoner food, it will
be a real luxury when you serve it up. Recommended: Jalapeno poppers,
pizza rolls (avoid the ones that aren't Jeno's or Gino's or however it's
spelled), chicken fingers.
Cheese & Crackers
A Tarr home staple. They usually add salami, but they're old hat at entertaining.
If you're just starting out as an instant host, best to avoid meat as
a hostess staple. When you glide out with a tray of cheese and crackers,
you'll be Miss Popularity.
Ice Cream
What kind of jerk doesn't like ice cream? An ultrafine hostess will have
sundae makings on hand as well. And they keep forever, so no excuses.
Everything here is inexpensive, tasty, and prep-free. Once to refine
your hosting response, you're ready to move on to quick-prep hostess snacks.
Next time, the Perfect Hostess will provide you with an aresenal of delicious
3-step snacks that'll knock your socks off & make you the most popular
host in town!
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